


100 +1 reasons to hate partying, by Waver Velvet

by Momoichi



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: Diarmuid just tries too hard, F/F, F/M, M/M, aka everybody's gonna regret it tomorrow, basically everybody gets together after first few eps and gets drunk kind of thing, being Waver is suffering, kinda talking about past lovers, mourning and nostalgia, people not making sense, poles(don't question it), strong japanese accent, wrong assumptions and stupid decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momoichi/pseuds/Momoichi
Summary: There was a crack as Berserker stood up on the table and started kicking everybody's glasses off as he ran for Saber with a screech. Gilgamesh caught him by the leg and climbed over him to get to Arthuria first. She hit him square in the face then held up her wounded hand, cursing his descendants up to the tenth generation. Rider jumped up on the table and threw his shirt off.No, Waver groaned, maybe he just hated partying.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soo, here I go after what seems to be like forever(at least for me).   
> I had this rotting in my stuff for a while, half finished, so I thought why the hell not? Let's pretend we're productive.  
> Just had to point this one thing out: even though I make fun of Tokiomi in here for his accent and have Kayneth think it sounds like rabbits bickering, I seriously didn't mean it as an offence to Japanese people or Japanese language! I just found the thought of Tokiomi thinking how he nailed English and being all smug about it while Kayneth laughs at him hilarious.   
> Maybe I got a bad sense of humour(sorry about it then).   
> Anyway, hope I didn't go too far with any of this, and enjoy! :D

'...AAAAND THEN I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD!!' Alexander shouted out the end of his story for what seemed like the hundredth time that night, at least going by the fed up face of the barman and other people present. Iskander finished with slamming his mug into table hard enough for the furniture itself to consider breaking the inanimate object rule and running away. Fortunately, it decided to bear with all the antics of the strange group a little longer.

'S-stop shouting, idiot! Sit down, dammit!' Waver hissed from where he was seated next to his overly excited, moderately drunk and definitely way too-big-to-be-convenient servant, trying to drag him down by his new red t-shirt he was forced to buy. However, it seemed to affect the big man as much as a soft breeze might. Alexander guffawed for no obvious reason, almost throwing him to the ground, his wide chest rising.

'YOU'RE ALL COMING WITH ME! WE'RE GOING TO WAR! LET'S CELEBRATE! COME HERE LADIES!'

'That's not the right way for a king to beha-!' Arturia started scolding him with a serious face but had to stop because her body was intent on hiccuping. She already had a drink or three in her too. Waver just sighed, putting a hand in front of his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the bemused, disgusted and slightly frightened looks thrown at them.

'Calm your mind Iskander, no need to celebrate when the battle is far from won. You are scaring all the nice peoples gathered here!' Diarmuid interrupted the pompous speech with that tone of voice that seemed to snake right through one's ears and forced the listener to focus on his mouth instead. Except Waver seemed to be the only one experiencing technical difficulties of that kind as the other servants seemed to have heard the sentence and nodded in agreement. With the exception of Berserker, he just oozed black smoke from visors in his helmet and growled in Saber's direction.

'I'm sick of you salivating over my possessions, mongrel. Your plan itself is ridiculous, do you want to steal from me?!' Gilgamesh had reached the decision that it was his time to point a finger at Alexander and did so with his red eyes dangerously narrowed, his nonsensical golden earrings clinking softly.

'Hey, hey, not so fast. You're the only ones unworthy of your own names! Instead of drinking and feasting you bicker like old toothless hags!'

'But I'm still underage here-'

'What did you spew out of your yapping mouth?! Good, then let me show you which one of us is truly worthy to be called a king!' Gilgamesh shouted over Velvet's flustered argument, springing up from his chair.

'Hehe, that's the spirit! Innkeeper, bring in your strongest liquor!' Alexander bellowed again then turned his attention to the other heroic spirits sitting at the table. He pointed at them one by one with a look of challenge.

'Let's all drink together! Lancer?!'

'If that's so I will gladly partake.'

'Saber?'

'If it has come to this, I fear that I must protect my- _hic_ -honour as a knight and a king. I accept your challenge.'

'Caster...?' Iskander hesitated a little seeing as the man wasn't listening to the conversation, instead staring at Saber with expression of endless reverence. He didn't even turn his head when he heard his name called. All of the assassins were probably off playing invisible and Berserker seemed resolved on his mad beast thing so there was only one person left to focus on.

'Drink up with us boy, to the victory!' Alexander shouted with a new found vigour as he swung his mug around, missing Waver's face by a hair width.

'Like I can drink with all heroic spirits around, idiot!' Velvet crossed his arms over his chest.

'C'mmon, boy, be a man!' the mug was now close to his face again, as if Rider wanted to pour all the remaining beer in it right on his face.

'I refuse!'

 

 

'...to leechu Akasha, du faivu generashion ofu my famiri...' Tousaka went on with his lengthy speech and Kayneth just nodded his head to urge him on with one corner of his mouth slightly raised in a way that would betray to anyone who had known him for at least a while that he was laughing hard inside.

Unfortunately, Tousaka had just met him for the first time so he continued talking English with that strong Japanese accent that together with his posh clothes and aristocratic behaviour made for a high-quality comedy act.

Kiritsugu kept his poker face, smoking his cigarette while analysing the possible extent of their abilities in his mind. Kirei stared at him without blinking, caressing the cross in his hand and whispering few prayers as a way to relieve some stress before resorting to his emergency option-a glass of vodka he bought for that exact purpose. He took a deep breath and finished it in one go, immediately standing up.

He marched in front of Emiya as Tokiomi droned on, back straight and face blank.

'Emiya Kiritsugu.' he said in a commanding tone of voice.

'Kotomine Kirei.' Kiritsugu responded in similar fashion, instinctively grabbing the gun hidden inside his jacket. An intense battle of stares followed, but Kirei remembered what he came for, straightening his back again.

'I will buy you a drink.'

'I'll shoot you.' Emiya replied earnestly without any hesitation. Kotomine let out a short humourless chuckle, feeling sweat roll down his back.

'I mean it.'

'I have a wife and a daughter.' Kiritsugu pointed out curtly.

'I need to talk to you.' Kirei urged, his hand found the cross again.

'Don't make your God cry and move along.' Emiya responded sharply, pointing somewhere far away from the table with the hand holding cigarette. Kotomine opened his mouth to say something more but the cold stare silenced him. Fists gritted he moved to the second table, eyes never leaving Kiritsugu.

 

 

'What's with the face Kirei?!' Gilgamesh asked, obviously displeased that the priest would frown when he went to such lengths as offering him a seat next to him. There wasn't a person more awe-inspiring than him on the entire planet, after all. Kotomine almost collapsed into the chair, getting intrigued looks from the other servants seated there.

'I... got dumped...' he announced bitterly. Alexander laughed at that, patting his back amicably.

'Don't worry about it, you got plenty more to choose from. You sure bred like rabbits throughout the years.' Iskander noted towards Waver who would roll his eyes if a flick didn't hit his forehead, as if in anticipation of some gesture like that.

'There is not a person on this planet who could pick my interest. All the mongrels look the same. With one exception...' Gilgamesh winked at Saber, taking a gulp out of his drink and almost missing the table when he wanted to lean his head on his elbow.

'Seems like it. People sure were more beautiful at my time... more dignified... ' Alexander mused and Archer seemed to jump at the opportunity to point out that the bunch Iskander got was still far from the gods of perfection of his time.

'More dignified! They were like monkeys compared to-... T-they were... not like there.. .there couldn't be somebody l-l-like...' his booming voice soon gave away low mumbling and stuttering as tears burst from his eyes.

'Shouldn't have reminded him, he looks like he wants to do his mourning all over again.' Waver nudged Iskander, rather irritated that he had one extra thing to deal with.

'Enkiduuu...' Gilgamesh shouted out suddenly, beating the table with his fist. Kirei quietly moved his chair as far from him as possible, giving him a concerned look. He definitely didn't want to end up like that.

'Losing the light of your days, the pain is almost unbearable!' Caster seemed to have woken up from his trance, shouting out his anguish. When he stood up from his chair in one gesture of theatrical agony, however, his expression changed as his attention jumped to Ryuunosuke waving at him cheerfully from where he was seated at the bar. Gilles waved back and when Uryuu made the slit throat gesture towards the back of the lady he was flirting with, Caster nodded with a small smile. What a little darling he was. He then cleared his throat and seated himself when he realised that the moment was now ruined.

Waver facepalmed with a long sigh but it seemed to have forced Iskander to recall some of his less pleasant memories too.

'It almost ruined me too, losing Hephaestion...' he confessed darkly, his mouth bent into a frown that looked unnatural and ominous on his ever smiling face. Velvet took a sip out of his mug to hide his anxiety... and also the fact that he was the only person without any sexual experience in the group... even the priest had a wife once for god's sake!

'We... went on all the conquests together...' from opposite end of the table, Saber nodded sombrely.

'That must have been an incredible woman, fighting and winning on your side.' Diarmuid remarked with a polite smile, trying to lighten up the mood a little. He succeeded by failing. Alexander blinked few times, then broke into a loud resonating laughter, slapping his knees.

Lancer looked at him with an expression of utter confusion, before his eyes targeted Waver as if he was responsible for all the explanations when his servant wasn't making any sense.

'Hephaestion... a woman...' Iskander managed in between the laughs, as if it was the most ridiculous thing he's heard on this round globe where people flew inside iron birds.

'Oh...' Diarmuid managed in response.

'Boy...' Rider managed to finally stop laughing, wiping off the tears in his eyes so he could reach out his hand and pat Lancer supportively with enough force that it was surprising his feet didn't break the parquets underneath him.

'...every proper warrior had to have one... at my time at least...' Alexander paused, thinking.

'That's bizarre... it wasn't practice in your time, right, Saber...?' Lancer turned to Arthuria. She shook her head slowly but then added:

'In truth it wasn't, but maybe it's like King of conquerors says... Because of a certain circuit... uh, circome-... sire-stances... I married a... Grainne... a very kind woman... she sewed me a shirt... and had that long wavy hair... shmi-smelled nice...' Saber seemed to fight the alcohol in her bloodstream for the right of polite correct conversation but sidetracked, one finger drawing little circles on the table as her mind wandered.

Berserker's mind had wandered too, it seemed, as he let out a long sigh and started pouring his alcohol through the visor of his helmet to let it dull the pain. Gilgamesh just started weeping a little stronger, nodding his head frantically. Kirei decided to ignore that any of that was happening, staring intently at the table, locked up in his own pain.

Waver once again considered pretending that he didn't know any of those people.

'Even you...?!' Diarmuid managed after her speech, terror showing on his face.

'You didn't have anybody?' Alexander asked, surprised.

'No. I sh-should have...?' Lancer panicked, facing all the facts. Velvet frantically shook his head, knowing too well that Diarmuid could overthink it and do something stupid, but Iskander was on the move again.

'Definitely.'

'I am a failure as a warrior...' Lancer whimpered, hiding his face in his hands.

'N-no, no, no... it's not like that... it doesn't matter, really...' Waver tried to fix it up desperately.

'And you, master of Rider?' Diarmuid looked up, feeling that there was still some hope left for him.

'I-um... mean no... but I would... I mean, no! I haven't decided yet!!' Velvet stuttered, face red. This didn't go as he imagined.

'Even my master...?!' Lancer inquired urgently, eyes wide with terror.

'That magician with a stick up his arse? Waver's teacher?' Alexander asked to clarify but judging by Diarmuid's face he only made the situation much worse.

'Oh my god! Since when?!'

'For a few years...? How long were you studying, boy...?' Iskander asked but Lancer was already standing up in great haste though not as gracefully as he normally would, knocking the chair down. Waver had a chilling suspicion that he was drunker than he appeared to be.

Alexander just shrugged his shoulders as the man staggered away, emptying his mug in one go. There was a subtle sound of metal clicking as Lancelot continued his attempt to drink with helmet on. Ryuunosuke rushed to Caster to enthusiastically share some new twisted idea of torture he just thought off involving plastic bottle opener. Saber talked to her self in hushed voice about all the events of her life, staring at the stains on the table. Gilgamesh was now shaking Kirei's shoulders, crying about maggots for some reason. Waver would normally be thanking heavens that his servant can handle his liquor, but he had the feeling that the night was far from over.

 

 

Sitting at their small table at the back of the building were now master of Saber, Lancer, Archer and Berserker as Kariya attempted to suffocate Tousaka by drowning an entire swarm of bees in his wine and then somehow kind of stayed with them, glaring and threatening the magus, at least until he bought him a glass or two.

As he was the only native English speaker, Kayneth had been forced to listen to the other three talking in their nonsensical language for most of the evening with a face of polite amusement(that just happened to look exactly the same as his face expressing unbearable annoyance- coincidence, really), waiting for them to perhaps switch into a language that didn't sound like rabbits bickering.

Still, he reflected, it was way better and in all ways tactful than dealing with his idiot of a servant.

'Can you bear the pain?' Lancer asked for what seemed like the fourth time since he dashed over here, almost knocking over their table as he made his way to him, look of endless worry on his face.

'I am not injured.' Kayneth repeated, nerves close to snapping.

'Please, let me have a look.' Diarmuid said, trying to drag him out of his chair.

'You're drunk. Go back.' El Melloi hissed, feeling the looks of the others on him.

'Does lady Sola know?'

'...know what...?'

'Master, why would that happen to you?! I've seen people killed this way, screaming until the other end ran through their mouth and they drowned in their own blood! It's horrible way to die! Please!' Lancer grabbed both his hands, utterly terrified for some reason.

' **But I am not dying**!' Kayneth put emphasis on every word, prying his hands from the grasp. He sighed, thinking the matter closed as he leaned back in his chair, giving the others an apologetic look that seemed to say 'My servant sure seems like he channels no mana to his brains these days.'

'Master!' Diarmuid wailed again in alarm, grabbing him again.

'God! What do I have to do to so even somebody of your unbelievable stupidity could see there's nothing wrong!' Kayneth snapped at him and Diarmuid was taken aback for few seconds before answering softly.

'Could you stand up and lean on your elbows on the table?' his master blinked few times.

'I can't leave until I'm certain you are safe.' Diarmuid added gravely. Kayneth's gaze aimed at the ceiling as he let out a short exasperated sigh, before giving up to those ridiculous demands.

'Now, will you leave?!' he barked at him but was stopped by the displeased glances Tokiomi threw in his direction.

'Is that a British greeting?' the magus asked Kiritsugu in Japanese, failing to maintain his poker-face.

'Hmm...' Kiritsugu responded meaningfully while spicing Kariya's drink with whiskey as the man lay on the table with ants crawling over him, passed out. With some luck he might trip down the stairs, he thought. Whatever funny business Lancer's master was into was of no importance.

Interestingly enough, the person who took the longest to realise that something was happening was Kayneth. It took another particularly alarmed glance from Tokiomi to make him realise that that was indeed happening.

'Lancer!' he hissed, more in surprise than in pain. His wife was will kill him if she finds out.

'Huh.. that's strange...' Diarmuid noted, voice oddly calm. Kayneth did his best not to chuckle hysterically.

'Indeed. Now, if you'd be so kind and get those out before I'll use my command seal to have you cut your arm off I'd be grateful.' El Melloi tried his hardest to sound casual about it, face red with shame.

'But the stick... oh...' understanding seemed to have hit Lancer like a full loaded truck. He retracted his hand quickly, causing a little yelp and his cheeks went from chalk white to a deep shade of red.

'I'm sorry! I'm useless! Horrible! Unforgivable! I must kill myself!' he muttered in quick succession in between bows and before he ran off he shouted back:

'Please, enjoy your evening!'

Kariya momentarily came to himself and pushed back the worm that tried crawling out of his nose. Emiya surveyed him carefully, waiting for him to get caught in the trap.

'What is the root of this custom?' Tokiomi asked in English, managing to compose himself. Kayneth straightened his trousers and sat down, emptying his glass before bothering to shoot him the clearest 'Talk again and I will kill you' look he could muster.

 

 

'HE-he said that he had a wife! And a kid!' few glasses later, Kirei retold the entire meeting, gesturing wildly with his hands, close to stabbing Gilgamesh with his finger as he shouted.

'He does! Doesn't deserve her! That cretin!' Saber snorted but then looked carefully around if he just didn't happen to be standing right next to her.

'I will kill him for you!' Gilgamesh shouted back at her, eyes still red from crying.

'Not my soulmate!' Kirei screamed, grabbing him by the shirt.

'If you kill him I go whooooosh...' Saber added, trying to look serious.

'He's stealing my stuff!' Gilgamesh tried making a point, red eyes flashing.

'Jeanne belongs to me entirely, the god brought her ba-'

'Let's just calm down for a second!' Waver shouted over Caster, judging it was the duty of the only sober person left. Ryuunosuke looked pretty okay a while ago but few conversations later he was sitting in Caster's lap, hiding underneath his heavy robes and giggling, occasionally poking out his head and calling 'Peekaboo!'.

All of them ignored the magus entirely and continued to shout over each other. The staff would have thrown them out long ago if Archer hadn't paid enough to buy an entire pub or two.

'SHUT UP!' Alexander bellowed, shocking everyone into silence. Seven pairs of eyes turned to him expectantly.

'We're dancing on he tables!' he added with a savage grin and Ryuunosuke responded with a big 'YAY!', throwing his hands into the air, hitting Caster in the jaw. Velvet let his head fall down on the table with a muted thud. If somebody asked him why he won't go out socialising, this made for an excellent example. He heard another thud next to him and when he lifted up his eyes he saw Lancer repeatedly hitting his head, muttering to himself quietly. It didn't look like he found the stick.

There was a crack as Berserker stood up on the table and started kicking everybody's glasses off as he ran for Saber with a screech. Gilgamesh caught him by the leg and climbed over him to get to Arthuria first. She hit him square in the face then held up her wounded hand, cursing his descendants up to the tenth generation. Rider jumped up on the table and threw his shirt off.

No, Waver groaned, maybe he just hated partying.

 


	2. Chapter 2

'...Aoi tried cooking cupcakes once, they weren't bad, maybe little too sweet for my taste...' Tousaka noted, stroking his goatee.

'She cooks great...' Kariya agreed, nodding his head so deeply it looked like it might fall off his neck any minute.

'Irisviel normally bakes cookies but her castella is better.' Kiritsugu added his bit to the conversation, smiling for once. All eyes turned to Kayneth until they forced a frustrated ''My wife doesn't cook... at least not for me...'' out of him. He felt like he was either ridiculed or used as an excuse to practice their English. It didn't help that he was now in the mood to hide a few feet under for at least a month thanks to his idiotically stupid cretinely horrible drunk servant.

The topic now was family so he first spent half an hour explaining the difference between father-in-law and godfather to Kariya who dared to faint during his lecture, then was forced to respond to ridiculous questions that would lead everyone to wrong assumption that he was never in a happy working relationship... That was a lie, he had a dog for a friend once... before it ran under the moving machine with four wheels... He really liked that dog...

He ordered another bottle of wine.

 

 

 

'Phahaa!' Alexander guffawed, listening to Diarmuid's story that quickly turned from personal confession to Waver to a source of public amusement.

'You're a liar, king of conquerors! You told me that... I thought... you're a liar!' Lancer shouted at him angrily, but his embarrassment got in the way and his bruised forehead wasn't in anyway helping in his attempt to look a little dignified after such failure.

Arthuria leaned her head on his shoulder and made sad puppy noises, probably so she wouldn't get thrown off. She felt so tired and nauseous there were only two options left for her: either fall asleep or puke in the next few moments. Diarmuid look at her with a look of pure confusion, slowly laying her on the table so he could freely move again.

'Hey, it's not the worst thing... imagine you get drunk and start it with some pretty wench and when you're halfway through you find out that you're not in your house but in senate... Happened to me once...' Iskander said without any of shame, then chuckled at the thought.

'God, the senators' faces!' Waver choked on his soda and started coughing. Lancer made a face like he was just force-fed a lemon. Disgracing the authorities wasn't exactly his thing.

Other's from the group found their entertainment themselves, Kotomine sat on a table and preached about Jesus resisting temptation of walking around the walls of a lion den. Caster recited them obscene poems in French and Ryuunosuke sang some j-pop song nobody knew, playing imaginary guitar. Gilgamesh with Berserker were at the toilets, washing off their bloody noses and curling up around the toilet seat. But no, rider couldn't get distracted and had to keep pushing the subject.

'Hmm, I thought at least you would get laid. This isn't a celebration but celibation.' Alexander returned to their previous conversation, grinning at his own joke.

'Please don't say that, I'm trying to stay away from women.' lancer frowned unhappily, internally cursing his face. Velvet bit his lower lip. Don't say that, he'll jump to some weird id-

'Heh, sounds almost like you, boy.' Alexander noted and Waver was tempted to hide under the table, face red like boiled lobster.

'I t-told you I'm not su-sure... just leave me alone, idiot!'

'I should buy flowers,... I'm so insensitive!' Diarmuid exclaimed suddenly, absolutely off-topic.

'You what...?' Iskander lifted up one eyebrow.

'For taking master's virginity.' there was a moment of surprised silence before Alexander started laughing and Waver let out a short wail. He couldn't handle all the drunk people any more.

'Does that really count...?' Alexander wondered, lost in thought.

'I-uh... I thought it should...' Diarmuid said sheepishly. He'd have trouble judging it even if it was with a woman. God, he was out of touch after all those centuries!

Iskander scratched his beard, finding this topic worthy of proper analysis.

'How did you do it exactly?' all the alarms inside Waver's head were going off. He had the feeling that if he stayed sitting here, listening to the two talking about fingering his professor, the world might start turning around differently and he'll wake up tomorrow inside a gingerbread cottage.

'I'm going to the restroom...' he managed, getting up.

'I got an idea! Boy, go ask that guy if he thinks he's lost it!' Iskander commanded and gave him a supportive pat on the back, sending him three metres away.

'That's a great idea!' lancer agreed happily. Waver's face went white. No, he needed to get away from this very building, before it's too late. Burning it entirely wouldn't be a bad idea either.

 

 

'Did you know where the flower went...?' Gilgamesh asked him with strange urgency, leaning on the wall, face white.

'Weer dyou see t last?' Waver almost shrieked because the purple mess clogging up the sink turned into a person's head.

'I don't speak dog.. I'll look myself. Can't have a stupid flwoer... 'm the king! Entire damned field!' king of heroes shouted authoritatively and walked into closed doors.

'...rowing doors... horrible country... that pine...?' he stared at the doors until Waver opened them for him, letting him out with a sigh.

There's no way he could just hide in the restroom until his servant drinks himself to death. Well, he could try but it seemed like Alexander could keep at it for hours and there was still berserker sleeping with his head in the sink. He sure was terrifying without the helmet on.

There was one option that seemed reasonable to try but not so much now when he saw Kiritsugu eyeing him as if he couldn't decide whether to shoot his head or chest first. Well, still better than trying to convince Iskander to put his damned shirt on again.

'G-good evening...' he started as he reached the table. He felt incredibly proud to be magus when he found all of them looked sober. They were more dignified breed. Nervous with the lack of response, he gingerly sat down on an empty chair.

'I'm Waver Velvet... eh... master of rider...?' he went on, unsure what he was supposed to say when meeting the people who would be all too happy to see you dead.

'Pleasure.' Kiritsugu responded coldly over his cigarette and it sounded a bit like he meant to say 'kill you'.

'I'll be going now. I should have gone an hour ago.' he excused himself after checking his watch and left the table almost immediately. Velvet half suspected that he went to lay down traps in front of the entrance to the pub. Anyway, he wouldn't want to be the first to leave.

He expected some learned conversations and disputes about various advanced magic, but Tokiomi soon left for the toilet to straighten his tie or brush his hair or something silly like that. What was left was the person who fell asleep on the table and looked like he was already decaying and his former professor. He had a seriously hard time considering those two options. The silence was killing him.

'Uhm, lord El Melloi... '

'No!' the immediate answer shocked him, especially since Kayneth had been staring at the wall up till now, seemingly in a trance.

'I won't talk to you about that again, Velvet! There's nothing to base your theory on! Are you assuming that effort can win against the heredity of the magical circuits?! Do you seriously think that none of the magus from the oldest families including myself don't make any effort?!'

'N-no, I... didn't mean it like that!' Waver squeaked out, trying to find some sense in the the fact that he was just shouted at without any reason.

'Of course you didn't.' Kayneth nodded, apparently satisfied, and took another sip from the glass standing in front of him.

'Any more of that,... and you'll get detention!'

'Detention?! B-but I didn't... sorry, I apologise...' Velvet blurted out before realising that he wasn't a student at a Clock tower for a while now. With a sigh, he hid his head in his hands. Even his professor got drunk, this world was definitely ending. Well, he might as well deliver the message.

'Lancer wanted to ask you something...'

'Hmm?! He's horrible! Don't look at him too long, it's going to wreck your mind from inside! He doesn't make sense! God! You had to the rag, ha?! Are you happy Waver Velvet?!' Kayneth snapped at him, face red.

'I-i... you know... how he was convinced that there was a pole... that you had a pole... there... you know... does that count?'

'Pole counts what? What does he think he is?! Walking around with that ridiculous hair and mole like he's so soo sad! And then he walks in and does that to me and asks about sports! I'll fucking kill him!' Kayneth practically jumped up from his chair, walking off with a satisfying sense of purpose.

'Have a good time.' Waver wished to the now empty chair, giving up on his sanity.

 

 

'We're going, saber. Get up.' Kiritsugu ordered, surprised to find the king/queen of Britain lying on the table in deep sleep. Kirei wasn't making the task of waking her up any easier, tugging at his jacket and mumbling something in Latin while unbuttoning his cassock. He either had a divine revelation or a seizure. Not like Kiritsugu cared enough to find out which of these was right.

'Arthuria!'

'Tweo minutes...'

'Now!' he got only a groan in response. He shook her again but to no avail. Finally resigning, he lifted her up by he waist and hoisted her over his shoulder like one might a bag of potatoes... if the bag of potatoes weighted 59 kilos and kept kicking you in the stomach.

He got a few surprised looks from the onlookers remaining but lots of weirder things had already happened tonight so they soon lost interest in him. He calmly got to the bar and paid for his and saber's drinks, frowning at the sum, and then left, careful not to get stuck in the doors. That of course didn't mean that he didn't hit Saber's head on the door frame by accident.

Still, servants sure were troublesome for a bunch of dead people.

 

 

Soon after Kiritsugu got up berserker went over to growl at Kariya, water still dripping from his long hair. For once, he and his master looked quite similar, both pale and failing to stay upright. He had to drag Matou away because he seemed intent on crying on Tokiomi's shoulders about their years in high school. Luckily, he didn't get to find out that wiping his nose on that expensive coat would get him roasted.

Tousaka almost ran out of the building after that, either because there was nobody important to talk to or because there really was some snot on his suit.

Before he'd realised that, Waver was sitting alone with only a mug of beer for company. He tried staring at it but since it didn't really help he decided to take a sip. Then another because he didn't want to go back to Alexander laughing at him. Then another because he didn't want to stay here alone, then another because his servant didn't seem to worry about him at all and then maybe another because Rider was an idiot... was this really beer...?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, chap two finished, one more to go! Chapter three is basically gonna be characters waking up and having to deal with all the stuff they did while drunk the night before, so, if there's anyone reading this, stay tuned for that.  
> Also, thanks for the kudos, people, helps to get at least some motivation. :D


	3. Chapter 3

'Hey, boy, hey!' somebody kept talking so loud it made his head hurt. Even when he opened his mouth to tell him to shut up, the only thing he was capable of was: 'Gaaah!'

His everything hurt and he felt like he was going to be sick any moment. When he opened his eyes the first thing he could register when his eyes finally focused was that he was in his bed with Rider leaning naked over him. The next sound he found himself making was pretty much: 'AAAAAGHH!' combined with panicked(but certainly strategic) retreat back under his blanket.

Denial wasn't really working.

'Why... did you even doodat?!' he mumbled from within his safe place.

'Thought you were gonna be thirsty.'

'That's a stupid-' except there really was a glass of water in rider's hands when he bothered to look.

'...mean why are you naked...?' Waver managed with a sigh. He still had no idea what happened last night after he drank up that glass of something, that definitely couldn't have been beer, but at least he still had his clothes on.

'You threw up on my pants.'

'You don't even have a shirt...'

'Why would I wear a shirt?' his servant grinned wildly. Yeah, that sounded about normal.

'Hey, better thank me boy, I had to drag you all the way here.' he added.

'S not fair, you had more.'

'You gotta know how to drink boy! You got mad drunk... is that how you're supposed to say that phrase...?' he scratched his beard uncertainly.

'What the hell did I do...?'

'Hmm...' Alexander pulled out a chair and sat next to the bed, obviously enjoying Waver's scared face.

'You did somersaults, talked about how two-headed dog was the best pet, you had a rush on your left butt cheek for two months before you got rid of it, insisted on showing me... hmmm... what else... oh, you massaged my chest-'

'I did that?!' Velvet covered his red face with his hands.

'Twice. And punched lancer's fiancée and fell asleep under the table.'

'I got punched back, right...?' his head felt swollen on one side.

'Well, that was lancer. You got to man up boy! You hit the floor like a dead horse!'

'That... cause I punched his fiancée...?' Waver tried putting the pieces together.

'Exactly.'

'Since when does lancer have a fiancée?'

'Since around two in the morning, I think.'

'Great.' Velvet sighed, sipping the water. This was his new least favourite moment in life.

'Did I seriously show you my... bu-you know...?'  
'All of it.' Alexander gave him a supportive pat on the back but couldn't help but laugh.

'Please, let me die.'

 

 

'Please, you don't need to worry about that, Irisviel.' Saber weakly protested when she felt cold towel against her forehead.

'It must be because you can't dematerialise. Do you still feel sick?'

'No, thank you.'

'I can only fix your face, my healing magic can't cure hangover.' Irisviel sighed, looking at Kiritsugu seated across the room. He refused her help so the shiner on his eye was still there together with his bruised knuckles and elbows. Walking through the city at night after few glasses at a pub while carrying a rebelling servant didn't turn out to be the best combination and the two of them fell down a staircase that definitely wasn't there during the day.

While Illya greased his face with a hand cream(playing nurse was her favourite game) his servant shot an angry look his way. Apparently she still remembered how she was treated last night. Kiritsugu only reciprocated it. After all, he did remember who punched him after they ended up on the ground.

 

 

After getting poked with a rake few times, Gilgamesh woke up in a field of flowers. Tulips, to be precise. To specify, it was that one particular tulip field twenty kilometres, 752 metres and 23 centimetres from Fuyuki city. It's next to that one crêperie that serves great chocolate crepes with bananas and whipped cream.

It's uncertain if such person as King of heroes knew that however, because if he was asked where exactly he thought he was located, he'd say he was halfway through destroying the entire damned Earth starting with that rake.

 

 

Kayneth woke up in his room, on his bed. That itself was nothing to be surprised about. He did that every morning. The splintering headache together with one other particular pain he didn't know he was capable of having was troublesome but temporary, he hoped. Not like Kayneth Archibald el-Melloi would have any previous experiences in that field, but his superior brain could deduce he shouldn't die from that.

What he couldn't explain was the flower bouquet on his bedside table and the full course breakfast on the tray next to him. No. That wasn't normal under any conditions. Was Sola really alright? Did something that happened last night cause that drastic change in behaviour? Wait, she didn't arrive home yet, did she?

Lancer... wasn't helping... He just stood in the corner of the room, sweating buckets. Now that he thought about it, there wasn't any moment when he could say his servant was anyhow useful.

'What is... this...?' Kayneth poked into one particular dish as if it could crawl away any time.

'Boxty. I found some potatoes, you don't like it?' Diarmuid squatted next to the bed with an expression of a kicked puppy.

'You... cooked this...?' a short nod in response. Well, he had no idea how could someone deform a thing as easy as pancakes, but one mystery solved.

'Am I supposed to clean too?'

'What?' here he goes not making any sense again.

'Normally the wife does the chores but I don't know what to do in this situation... I'd ask rider but-'

'Lancer, I have a hangover so can we split the chores later?! Besides, I'm the one with a job.' Kayneth had to lean his head on both of his hands to get rid of the feeling it might fall down any moment. If he thought at any point of this morning that the fact that he got engaged to a dead man while drunk and already engaged to a living woman will be resolved easily... well, it won't... The only plus was that homosexual marriage isn't legal in Japan because he could very well imagine his drunk self doing just that.

If he recalls correctly the reasons for that were: a) he could order him around, b) his in-laws would be already dead, c) he might lead a sexual life for once, d) he was drunk and lonely, e) lancer is... handsomish, f) he comes from a good family and g) he asked him first. Stunning logic for three bottles of wine, he seemed to get awfully practical when drunk.

'I never really did housework before.' Diarmuid looked positively sheepish and maybe a little regretful about the whole 'protecting his virtue' thing.

'It doesn't mat-... I-I will get some servants...' Kayneth just shook his pained head, frowning at the bizarre breakfast arrangement. He wasn't in the mood for quarrelling. 

He wasn't even in the mood for living at this point.

 

Diarmuid inched closer to him, apparently relieved.

'Lancer, what are you even-'

'Please, say aaah!'

 

 

'Kirei.' the strict voice of his father was the thing that woke him up.

He slowly sat up on the bed, surprised to find something lying on top of his blanket. Apparently, he had thought it was a good idea to take down the two meter cross from the wall of the church and fell asleep hugging it. The face of Jesus Christ nailed to it seemed more pained than usual.

'Did you go out last night?' Risei continued, mouth formed into a thin line.

'Tokiomi took me with him. What time is it, father?'

'It's close to ten, I had to serve the mass instead of you.'

'I apologise, it won't happen again.'

'Of course not. Now, nail the cross back and try to erase the doodles of the Holy Trinity from the bible in the third pew from the back. And please, try to put at least some clothes before you set home next time. Of course I'll wait for your confession in the afternoon.' he turned to leave, walking to the doors across the various items strewn on the floor.

Kirei's face turned slowly white. He didn't remember a thing from yesterday. He just nodded, face blank.

'Of course, father.' Risei stopped with one hand on the door handle. When he turned back to his son, there was a small smile on his face.

'I should thank God you started acting human.'

 

 

Modern criminologists would be more than surprised that what caused the peaceful six days when the number of disappearances and killings drastically dropped compared to the last few weeks, was a common cold. Precisely the common cold that latched onto Uryuu Ryuunosuke when he fell into a river while trying to enter his workshop, conveniently hidden in one canal.

And yes, he was quite miserable because his head hurt and he got a temperature high enough to put Caster into that state when he mostly walked around the den, cursing god for apparently killing him. Yes, he was miserable because he had to stop his hobbies for a while as he kept sneezing on his work. But it at least got Gille to make him some French soup that looked like liquid cheese and tasted like heaven. So yeah, he figured he could stay put for a while longer.

None of that, it seemed, was enough to prevent rider from proclaiming the party a huge success and start planning a second round. If even after all the mess somebody still decides that it is a good idea, alright, Waver couldn't care less. Which of course doesn't mean he won't barricade himself in his room and wouldn't use a command seal on Iskander just to avoid being dragged to any other ''fun event''. No, after all, Waver Velvet really hates partying... especially when it's with the other participants of the Holy grail war...

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I thought I'd give up on it since my brain was intent on writing nothing but I did finish it!   
> Wow, I suppose I suck at chaptered works when it comes to the waiting time(and other stuff)-sorry!  
> And to all of you who commented, gave kudos, or just read this: thanks so much! :D

**Author's Note:**

> To explain stuff(I like to do that, please bear with me):  
> If you aren't familiar with the rest of the Epic of Gilgamesh, Enkidu is basically a guy created by gods and Gilgamesh's only equal. They're the bestest of pals(all of the homo I guess). The maggots further on are also a reference to that. When Enkidu died Gilgamesh refused to bury him until he saw a maggot crawl out of his nose(man, did I do a double reference with Kariya?!)-then he realises that Enkidu is just a corpse now and leaves to the wilderness, terrified of his own death. In the epic he kept repeating the worm part so I think it was quite a trauma.   
> Also, I found it funny that Diarmuid is the only one of the heroic spirits who didn't have a same sex partner.  
> Alexander had Hephaestion(and god knows who else), Arthuria had Guinevere, Lancelot was into Arthuria even when he thought she was a guy(at least that's how I understand it), Assassin has multiple genders so technically too, Caster did all the stuff to piss off god so it's pretty much certain and Archer had Enkidu.   
> So I just thought he'd think something was wrong with him and end up assuming the idiom meant his master was gonna get impaled the Vlad Dracula way(ouchie). Dunno if they did that stuff in Ireland at his time or ever but I just had to put it in.


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